I have the choice

And there lays the difference between before and now. Today I KNOW that the choice to be happy is mine.  No one else is responsible for how I feel. Not anyone or anything else is responsible for what I do or say or think. BTW...  It is not as simple as it sounds.  I have so many wishes that I believe if they were fulfilled all would be better. I cannot rely on those.  Simply because I have no control over such things.  I have no control whether or not someone likes me or not.  Or what it is that they want from life.  Or what they believe in. Oh..  how I wish! but back then... in the "before" place it was my belief that if they loved me they would do as I wished.  I then considered myself unlovable since that seldom happened!

Not until I hit bottom was I willing to look at reality in the face. The reality was that I alone had built the cage for me to go in.  The fact that I was a helpless child in the body of a grown woman.   My fantasy being that I wanted someone to be responsible for my happiness and well being.  When that was not happening my insanity was doing the impossible to try to change him.  NEVER wanting to just turn around and look at myself. I judged and I criticized.  HE was the one responsible for everything I did/didn't do.  HE was the selfish bastard.  HE was the immature alcoholic, irresponsible S.O.B. I was a saint.  I had given everything to him and HE was supposed to give back.  How could HE do this to me? Now I lay here like a rag doll.  Unwanted, old and without any purpose.

My biggest fear was that the rug would be pulled from underneath me.  I would fall into a bottomless pit. I did anything and everything to hang on.  I gave up my dignity and all self worth in order to "keep it" from falling. Guess what...  it did not work. Everything did "fall apart" and I was left naked in the middle of a cold room. For many days and nights, for many weeks I would cradle in a fetus position on a far corner hoping I would disappear. The pain I had been avoiding for so many years was here and I did not know how to deal with it.  I felt I could not breath. If I could just stay asleep...  Waking up was overwhelming.  I did not want to go thru another day of pain and grief. Someone had told me...  all you have to do is make myself take a shower, get dressed and make my bed.  The rest of the day was me trying to do some work. That went on and on...  Day in and day out.  They say pain is inevitable, suffering is by choice. It was not my ch

"The Cage" I blamed everyone but myself for being there.  I also wanted someone to rescue me from there.  The cage kept getting smaller and smaller and turning into a black box.  No longer being able to look to the outside. I firmly believed that I was not gonna move from that safe tiny black space.  Everything out there was a landmine.  I was no longer living life.  I was just existing.  And that is all I needed, I felt.

A never ending circle began to take place.  No control over shame and guilt brought in anger and frustration. Combining these feelings and not having any control over them built anxiety.  Stories of the past were either something I very much missed or tried to erase.  Sweep under the rug and hope no one ever lifts it. I hated to feel anything.  Any feeling took a life of it's own.  Many if not all decisions of life were then made to not feel that which was overwhelming to me.  A cage was slowly being built.

As a child, I believed the choice was made by God.  He chose who got into the club and who was to face the evil pit of hell. How he picked those who where going to enjoy life and heaven depended on their thoughts and actions. I then was doomed to hell.   I believed my thoughts were almost as bad as those of a serial killer, if not worse.  My actions were those of a selfish self-centered child. I remember asking my 6th grade teacher "How good do we need to be?".  Her answer was that Jesus had no limits and therefore our goal was to give it all. Yup... I was screwed.  Since that day shame and guilt ruled my world for over 40 years.